WTF is a crypt walk?

I am probably going to prison. So, as I prepare for my prison time, I’m going to listen to music I enjoy, and bathe in the memory of the Eagles putting that belt to the ass of the Kansas City Chiefs.

It is important to let everyone know, I am probably going to prison. I can see your eyes opening wide. Some of you have spit your coffee out while a few of you are wondering, “What did he do now?”

Well, relax. At least I have your attention now, but the race hustlers and their ilk will soon have me in their crosshairs. I’m sure after this essay, I will lose my “black card” and go directly to the “Prison for Misfit Negros” for the rest of my natural black life. Once sentenced I will lose any and all access to the so-called black community and its leaders.

My crimes are self-confessed, and I do not throw myself at the mercy of the court; I beg you to throw the book at me. I want a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Please expel me from the black community if this is what it means to be black in America.

What crimes have I committed that would warrant such a harsh punishment? What dastardly deed have I perpetuated?

Let’s review the charges I profess to be guilty of.

Charge #1: I am not black enough.

It is rare for me to watch the Super Bowl halftime shows. They don’t interest me. I may have watched when Prince and Michael Jackson performed, but those are probably the only ones I watched.

Yes, I missed the “wardrobe malfunction”.

So, when it was decided that this year’s halftime show would be performed by Kendrick Lamar, my first thought was, “Who is that?” Although no one has told me I’m not black enough because I am not familiar with Mr. Lamar or his “music”, there are many people (black and white) who won’t read this because not knowing who Lamar is clearly indicates I’m not black enough, and that is without a doubt a heinous crime. Truth is, I’m not a fan of rap/hip-hop music (not black enough) and I couldn’t name one “song” Mr. Lamar has ever performed (not black enough) and the first thing some people will say or think when they read this is “How can he not know who Lamar is?”

The easy and truthful answer is, because I don’t care. Therefore, as a black man, I am guilty of the crime of not being black enough.

Charge #2: WTF is a crypt walk?

Yep, I have no idea what that is and quite frankly don’t care to know. Another serious offend if you’re black. Admitting this will get me tossed into the Prison for Misfit Negros. New dance moves and handshakes seem to change randomly, and I have never had the energy to keep up. Confessing to this crime will surely get me a life sentence in the Prison for Misfit Negros. Therefore I confess and plead guilty the crime of not knowing WTF a crypt walk is.

Charge #3: I’m not sure who “us” is in the song “Not Like Us” but please don’t include me in that group.

No, I haven’t listened to the song. I’m sure it has meaning for someone, but it doesn’t for me. I plead guilty to not wanting to be a part of whoever “us” is.

Charge #4: I am not able to explain to anyone the hidden messages found in Lamar’s halftime performance.

As we move further away from the “belt to ass” whooping the Eagles gave the Chiefs, I see more social media post from black entertainers and media personalities attempting to “blacksplain” to white America, what the true meaning of Lamar Kendrick’s performance was. Personally, I don’t care (see count #1) but had I watched the halftime show, you would need to blacksplain the performance to me. I do not know the significance of Serena Williams being a part of the performance. As far as I know, she’s a tennis pro not a recording artist. I do not know why Drake, another rapper, was brought up during the performance. I barely know who Drake is and I do not know anything he raps about. (see charge #1).

I heard some black personalities say, “We (black people) know what Lamar was saying in his performance”, and “We (black people) saw one thing, while white folks saw and heard something completely different, so let me (black person) blacksplain it to you.”

To me this implies you believe white people are stupid and not “down” with the rap culture, and that only black people can understand what was being shared by Kendrick. Hip-hop or rap, or whatever you choose to call it, has never appealed to me. Even though the music is mostly performed by black artist and characterized as “black music”, statistics show that 70% of the consumers of rap and hip-hop are white.

Since you would have to blacksplain the halftime show to me I am guilt of charge #4.

Some people enjoyed the halftime show, others did not. Many, like myself, didn’t watch it. Some of you are reading this and can’t believe a black man doesn’t listen to rap/hip-hop music and is not familiar with these artists. Others want to educate me on Lamar Kendrick and his many accomplishments, including being the winner of a Pulitzer Prize for Music in 2018 for his album DAMN.

I attempted to listen to DAMN on YouTube.

I won’t be downloading that album.

Of course, there is a point to this essay and here it comes. Black people don’t have any genre of music so locked down that they need to explain a performance to white America. Not everyone enjoys every kind of music, and you know what? That’s okay. I enjoy whatever music touches my heart or makes me sing or has such a sound that I can’t help but move to the beat. That music for me is jazz, old school R&B, reggae and calypso music, classic rock, the blues, country music, light rock, hard rock, classical music, spiritual music, any kind of music, just as long as it’s groovin’.

Just like the O’Jay’s, “I Love Music”.

So, on all 4 charges presented to the court, I plead guilty as charged. I will accept the punishment that comes with not being black enough, not knowing what the crypt walk is, not wanting to be a part of the “us” in “Not Like Us”, and for needing you to blacksplain the meaning of Lamar’s performance to me.

One day, we will get to a place where race will stop being the dominant factor in all we do and speak about.

One day, we’ll make an honest attempt to live by the words of Dr. King.

One day, we will wake up and realize that no one group of people owns and no group can impose what they like or don’t like on anyone. I may dislike rap music, but my taste isn’t your taste, and your taste may not be my taste and at the end of the day, that’s all right. With all the genres of music out there we just need to love music.

So, as I prepare for my prison time, I’m going to listen to music I enjoy, and bathe in the memory of the Eagles putting that belt to the ass of the Kansas City Chiefs. LOL.